She felt like she was on hold.
Like she couldn't live the life she really wanted all because
of a stupid stomach issue that she had no frickin clue as to what the frick it was.
She was so mad.
It wasn't fair.
She worked so hard on her figure.
She was trying so hard to be beautiful.
And then this happened.
This huge frickin pregnant looking stomach.
She wasn't even pregnant.
She didn't even want to be.
She already had a kid and that didn't even pan out smoothly for her.
She had so much struggle with it the entire time.
She was constantly fighting her ex's family trying to keep her child.
And in the end the child left her anyways.
And so now here she was with a huge belly that looked like
she was having twins... but honestly there was nothing in there.
Except all these emotions...
She was always getting misunderstood because she didn't talk.
At least not what she truly felt.
She always just talked to get away.
But never to actually get things out of her.
So here are the truths she never could say.
She only got married because she thought everyone wanted her to.
Especially her father.
He was her hero and she wanted to please him in every thing
that he wanted of her.
She always wanted to do right in everyone's eyes..
But she never cared that everything she did do for them
was never anything she even wanted.
She made herself do a lot of things like sex and marriage
all because everyone was wanting it.
She even stayed with her husband after she found out he had cheated on her.
She continued this kind of abuse to herself for a long time.
And many years and many fights later, she got pregnant again.
And when she went to abort it,
everyone chose to believe that she had cheated
and that was her reason for doing it...
She never spoke her truth until now...
She was raped.
by the one man who was supposed to make her feel safe and secure.
The one man who was supposed to protect her.
Her husband.
She cried during the forceful unwanted sexual abuse.
and all the while, she didn't realize it, but inside her something
was born...
Trauma like this is what caused her to turn against all hope in relationships
and vulnerability.
This was her first real relationship.
First marriage..
First family chance...
and it was such a struggle from the beginning,
That when she missed a period and took the test...
at the sign of the positive reading her lid flipped.
Her rage spilled over at her husband and she yelled at him that
she didn't want his demon seed that was created during the rape.
Little did she know, she allowed a darker shadow to dwell.
Her fear of relationships was still deep inside her.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of having emotions.
Fear of having feelings for anyone...
Except pity and victimhood...
For herself and her femininity.
It's not just make believe...
She learned that the hard way.
But she had to realize something...
All those shows she used to watch growing up about happy families and loving families that solved problems in 30 minutes to an hour, was what she wanted so bad to have.
Yet what she didn't realize was that her lack of self love was the missing link that connected all the events in her life going forward.
Everyone that she attracted was a puzzle piece of her broken self love.
How ever many pieces she needed was up to her awareness.
When would she finally stop carving out another piece in order to see the bigger picture?
They say it's hard to put a puzzle together without the box..
Especially when you don't know what the picture is that you're putting together.
She realized that Life worked the same way.
If she couldn't see herself as God had made her...
Then the picture box was distorted...
And to put together the puzzle of life was indeed going to require a lot of
trial and error.
And so 27 years later, She finally saw her own creation...
All the pressure,
all the stress,
all the hate,
all the lies,
all the fears,
and all her shadows...
All bunched up in her belly.
"People constantly asking her, are you pregnant?"
She laughs and easily says no.
Without feeling.. without emotion.
Then continues about her walk.
But why no emotions?
Why no feelings?
Why does she not care about herself?
Isn't having a huge belly humiliating?
People asking if she was pregnant when she wasn't...
Was that not humiliating?
Why did she not feel it?
Why was she so numb, as if she was a pill popper?
And there it was...
Her reflection.
In each and every broken relationship,
she saw a piece of her.
No self love,
Fear,
Lack of responsibility to herself
Overdoing too much for others,
Not accepting herself as she was,
Not being true to her heart,
and
not acknowledging her feelings and emotions.
Those were her puzzle pieces...
And now it was time to put them all together.
But how?
Without a picture how would she know what she looked like?
And that's when she remembered that she doesn't have to put herself together.
God already had done that when she was in the womb.
And so there she stood.
All the puzzle pieces in hand...
And she gave them back to God.
She said to Him,
" I'm sorry.. I broke me... Please forgive. and please help me forgive myself. "
And without hesitation or doubt, God did.
How did she know?
Because her heart was still beating.
And that was God's forgiveness in all it's glory!
~XoXo~
No comments:
Post a Comment