And there she was again.
Back to square one.
Back to that same starting place.
She was getting so tired of this circle.
This cycle.
She didn't want to do it all over again.
And she made a vow to herself that no..
This time.
She wasn't going to do it.
Any of it.
She was done.
That road that she used to travel was
washed away by the flood of tears she had cried and cried.
That bridge connecting her to that same washed away
road had also caught fire and burned to the ground,
along with any other manipulative tactic her mind
had held onto for so many years!
As she sat at the table,
she tried hard not to let defeat take her hand
She didn't feel at one with defeat.
She wasn't defeated.
She knew that much.
Instead she felt that she had actually won,
because she had finally let go of all that
never worked for her.
She was always selling herself short.
She had much more to offer in this life then just
the basic simple things she allowed herself to get
carried away in.
The New Moon in Sagittarius was coming up.
Jupiter was about to station direct...
And Thanksgiving was happening the day right after
all these glorious new beginnings where pulling in
to happen.
These were the hands that she wanted to grab.
They were the direction in which she really wanted
to go next.
But before she could finally turn and take that first
step forward...
She realized there was something still up in the air that
she was afraid to address.
Maybe she didn't want to admit that if she did finally
address it, that it would no longer be...
But reality was that it no longer was anymore anyways.
And maybe it never even was before and it was all just her
illusion delusion.
But she decided that she was ready, finally.
That she was going to really face it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The words, "Stupid Bitch" Kept echoing in her mind
like a pendulum that swung back and forth.
She knew that they were just words, but somehow
they were words that echoed in her mind, heart and soul
for a lot longer then she liked to admit, even to herself.
She was a very strong full bodied woman...
She knew that much.
She knew that she was powerful and that words
never hurt her.
But she also knew that she could be very prideful
and self sabotaging all at the same time.
And as she went back in her mind to the day
that those words were spoken to her...
She remembered exactly why they were said.
As she tried to put it together for herself,
once and for all,
so that she could either
A) pack it up and ship it out..
Or
B) burn it up and let the wind take it where it belonged...
She reminded herself that most definitely
This was not about accepting bad behavior.
This was not about letting someone off the hook.
and most definitely that this was not about
Blaming herself for what had occurred that day.
However, she knew that forgiveness was necessary not only
from God and herself, but also for him.
and with that... She knew she would be off the hook,
so she could move forward.
So she took in a deep breath and she allowed her mind
to really open up...
It was a Saturday Night...
There was a Full Moon in the making...
A Pisces Full Moon at that.
Which of course represented Endings...
And there she was, walking her life down a drain.
okay, swimming down was more like it because she had
become so addicted to alcohol
and just washing down
every emotion and feeling that ever tried to come up in her that
she was definitely coming up to an ending of some sort for sure.
That night, her and her man had just went out and
tried to watch an event together and even though it had
ended in success, the rest of their night together did
not match that same level of success.
She had failed.
Big time.
The one thing she was supposed to learn in this life
was how to not give over her power and that night she
failed.
She realized now, two months later,
and countless queen-ology lessons on
that she had re-lived her karmic repeat yet again...
Only this time, Her karmic partner was what she realized
was also her key.
But this is where she had to decide to be truthful..
With herself, with the universe, and even him,
if he should ever care to know.
But she knew that was on him, not her. She didn't chase.
She knew her role.
But as a queen, she also knew that being totally
transparent and authentic was the only way to go.
And so she was going to be just that.
She learned one fight too late that communication was the
foundation for a relationship.
And now that she was back to square one...
She accepted her regrets...
And she forgave herself for not knowing that
she should have had enough self respect for herself
to care about how she always felt in the now moments.
And she forgave herself for not being confident enough to share
her feelings and emotions with someone she really did love and care about.
Only it didn't show because she knew very well that
When a person couldn't love themselves,
then they very well couldn't share love with another either.
And this is what she had to face in herself.
So she wrote it in her heart and
folded it up...
And she gave it over to God.
Just like that.
