A lone is not a feeling... it's a way of being

 She had survived the full moon in Aries rather well. 

No cuts, no bruises, no colds! 

She was really proud of herself for once! 

Somehow, she was finally on a road to healing, 

instead of towards her demise. 

Ever since she made a vow to love herself and allow her relationship 

with God to grow, she realized she was more on track then ever before.

She still didn't know where this track would lead her,

but it was definitely getting a lot easier then the way things were headed before. 

There was no doubt though that the grip of loneliness

did not try to sway her. 

However, she had been familiar with his moves from 

previous times before and so this time was no 

shock to her when he showed. 

She took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.. 

Then she introduced God to her loneliness. 

They exchanged salutations and then 

almost instantly, he vanished straight away!

She felt a heaviness lift and she thanked God for bringing 

a smile back in her heart and a warm secure hug 

to her soul! 

In the days following the full Moon, she began her studies 

on the next big event coming up. 

She really did enjoy studying herself and all the parts 

that came with her being. 

She was learning about each planet and how they 

impacted her life. 

Also she was learning how to read her birth chart 

and how to understand where she needed a little 

help from her universal team!

She realized that she was never alone!

With God, Nine planets, 5 asteroids, 3 moons, and 12 zodiac signs...

Plus the archangels, and mother nature, and countless others!

She realized that she was never alone!

No wonder once she turned back to her relationship 

with God,

 Loneliness found that he had no chance to be 

a companion to her any more.

As she began to get acquainted with her newly situated 

life, she began learning some new things that really took 

her down a new way of being. 

She started to learn all about her femininity. 

What it was and how she was supposed to introduce herself

into this new energy that she never knew existed inside her.

As she made friends with her femininity, she learned 

real fast that her past trauma had no more 

room left inside her, since the awakening of the feminine 

was requiring all the space in her in order to function properly.

So trauma had some cleaning and packing up to do,

 for it was time for it to clear out. 

She welcomed this process, and even though it had brought 

up a lot of pain, tears, and sadness with it, once she 

accepted it all with open arms, it bid it's farewells and left her freely.  

. 

Shifting Gears

 The door to the external world was swerving fast upon her... 

She wasn't ready to shift gears yet!

But time was running out!

She wanted to just zone out for awhile.

To escape.

To just become a couch potato. 

But God and her higher self were having none of that! 

She was in the midst of letting go of one really huge lesson,

and transforming it into a totally new mindset and way of being.

And that required her participation.

So today, she set a new intention for herself.

She was going to learn and put in motion her next move.  

But what was her next move? 

The Pisces Full Moon told her to just chill for a while and heal. 

Surrender. 

Cause if she didn't, which of course, she didn't...

The planets in connection to God's will and her higher purpose,

would do it for her. 

Okay, well... not quite that much... 

But still, she had some pains.

And they definitely made her slow down.

Way down... 

So that she could process all that had just occurred.

As she slide back in her favorite chair, 

she allowed her mind to go back over what nightmare 

she had just recently lived through. 

However... as soon as she heard herself say the word,

'nightmare' 

it completely halted her and then dawned upon her...

That this was not the first time she used the word 

nightmare to describe a situation that she seemed to 

keep living through!

This nightmare always consisted of a guy.

A guy she liked to call her man, 

but the truth was... 

They were never really her 'man'. 

They were men who used her because she wasn't aware.

She was a broken conscious woman.

She was a silly woman. 

She had... duh duh dum!!! 

Daddy issues! 

And because of this broken-ness... 

She never saw the truth..

The truth that she was a Queen... 

And these guys were all clowns!

She had been dating bozo!

She wasn't perfect, she knew that much. 

But why couldn't she work on perfecting herself?

And so she decided today... in the here and now, that this time...

She was going to do it differently. 

Instead of reliving the old karmic story in her blogs...

She decided to change her perspective and shift gears!

She was no longer going to be writing about the aftermath

 of a fallen tower moment..

Instead, she decided to reveal to other women,

what she had begun to learn for herself so that she 

could finally wake up from this repeating karmic nightmare 

and share it with other women who struggled to wake up as well. 

This cat was about to let her tricks out of the bag! 

~Stay tuned! ~

It's not just Make Believe... It's a fairy tale also..

 She felt like she was on hold. 

Like she couldn't live the life she really wanted all because 

of a stupid stomach issue that she had no frickin clue as to what the frick it was. 

She was so mad.

It wasn't fair. 

She worked so hard on her figure. 

She was trying so hard to be beautiful.

And then this happened. 

This huge frickin pregnant looking stomach. 

She wasn't even pregnant. 

She didn't even want to be. 

She already had a kid and that didn't even pan out smoothly for her.

She had so much struggle with it the entire time. 

She was constantly fighting her ex's family trying to keep her child.

And in the end the child left her anyways. 

And so now here she was with a huge belly that looked like 

she was having twins... but honestly there was nothing in there. 

Except all these emotions... 

She was always getting misunderstood because she didn't talk. 

At least not what she truly felt. 

She always just talked to get away. 

But never to actually get things out of her. 

So here are the truths she never could say. 

She only got married because she thought everyone wanted her to. 

Especially her father.

He was her hero and she wanted to please him in every thing 

that he wanted of her. 

She always wanted to do right in everyone's eyes.. 

But she never cared that everything she did do for them 

was never anything she even wanted.

She made herself do a lot of things like sex and marriage

all because everyone was wanting it.

She even stayed with her husband after she found out he had cheated on her.

She continued this kind of abuse to herself for a long time.

And many years and many fights later, she got pregnant again.

And when she went to abort it,

 everyone chose to believe that she had cheated

and that was her reason for doing it...

She never spoke her truth until now... 

She was raped.

by the one man who was supposed to make her feel safe and secure.

The one man who was supposed to protect her.

Her husband.  

She cried during the forceful unwanted sexual abuse. 

and all the while, she didn't realize it, but inside her something 

was born...

Trauma like this is what caused her to turn against all hope in relationships

and vulnerability.

This was her first real relationship. 

First marriage..

First family chance...

and it was such a struggle from the beginning,

That when she missed a period and took the test...

at the sign of the positive reading her lid flipped. 

Her rage spilled over at her husband and she yelled at him that 

she didn't want his demon seed that was created during the rape.

Little did she know, she allowed a darker shadow to dwell. 

Her fear of relationships was still deep inside her. 

Fear of being vulnerable.

Fear of having emotions.

Fear of having feelings for anyone...

Except pity and victimhood... 

For herself and her femininity. 

It's not just make believe... 

She learned that the hard way. 

But she had to realize something... 

All those shows she used to watch growing up about happy families and loving families that solved problems in 30 minutes to an hour, was what she wanted so bad to have. 

Yet what she didn't realize was that her lack of self love was the missing link that connected all the events in her life going forward. 

Everyone that she attracted was a puzzle piece of her broken self love. 

How ever many pieces she needed was up to her awareness. 

When would she finally stop carving out another piece in order to see the bigger picture? 

They say it's hard to put a puzzle together without the box..

Especially when you don't know what the picture is that you're putting together.

She realized that Life worked the same way. 

If she couldn't see herself as God had made her... 

Then the picture box was distorted... 

And to put together the puzzle of life was indeed going to require a lot of 

trial and error. 

And so 27 years later, She finally saw her own creation... 

All the pressure,

 all the stress,

 all the hate,

 all the lies,

 all the fears,

 and all her shadows...

All bunched up in her belly. 

"People constantly asking her, are you pregnant?"

She laughs and easily says no. 

Without feeling.. without emotion. 

Then continues about her walk. 

But why no emotions?

Why no feelings?

Why does she not care about herself?

Isn't having a huge belly humiliating?

People asking if she was pregnant when she wasn't... 

Was that not humiliating? 

Why did she not feel it?

Why was she so numb, as if she was a pill popper?

And there it was... 

Her reflection. 

In each and every broken relationship, 

she saw a piece of her. 

No self love, 

Fear,

Lack of responsibility to herself 

Overdoing too much for others,

Not accepting herself as she was,

Not being true to her heart,

and 

not acknowledging her feelings and emotions. 

Those were her puzzle pieces...

And now it was time to put them all together.

But how?

Without a picture how would she know what she looked like?

And that's when she remembered that she doesn't have to put herself together. 

God already had done that when she was in the womb.

And so there she stood. 

All the puzzle pieces in hand... 

And she gave them back to God. 

She said to Him,

" I'm sorry.. I broke me... Please forgive. and please help me forgive myself. "

And without hesitation or doubt, God did.

How did she know?

Because her heart was still beating. 

And that was God's forgiveness in all it's glory!

~XoXo~

 

Hidden Sacral Action

 Behind every mask is the true authentic self. 

~The soul.~

Her life wasn't all that she envisioned. 

At least not yet. 

But she could totally see and feel herself already there. 

Today, she was learning a new concept about herself and the deeper aspects 

that governed them. 

These Aspects were the agents that would help guide her on her journey

to where she wanted to go in this life. 

   ( But first off, In order for you to understand where she is aiming to go, 

you must first understand where she comes from. and thus, 

Please do allow me to narrate for you how she found herself at the beginning of this story in the first place.)

She grew up in a house of five;

 a mother, a father, a brother, a sister, and of course, herself..

And Like all families, the father worked.

Long and hard all the days on. 

And the mother was furious with housework and children,

all the while having to also work to make ends meet. 

The physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse 

ran amuck in every house, every location, and every family member

that tried so hard to live the American dream. 

Being promised success and riches at the end of a hard days work was 

always the goal, yet even when it was reached, it seemed an utter disappointment.

The only thing that kept it going for years and years,

was the negative energy of the chase, the fight, and the idea that 

one day happiness was going to be had.

That day however never came. 

Father died. 

Mother was disabled.

and the children all parted ways.

Each lived far far away from the other, 

and each time they communicated was only through false visions.

A mask!

In the here and now, 

She sat in her favorite chair, and she continued to type her story. 

She began to search for the tape that held her own mask on so tightly. 

And when she found one, she began to peel away at it.

Today she had learned about Mars. 

Mars, that fiery red planet.

The one that everyone wanted to try to make a home on. 

She laughed inside at that vision.

Everyone trying to escape to a planet of nothing but

burning fires, desires, and passions!

She laughed because she knew that people didn't have to escape

life on Earth in order to live a life

 with Mars' promised brilliance and excitement. 

She realized a while back, 

That Mars existed inside each and every single person. 

Mars was an energy. 

The energy that gives people the ability to choose their actions.

Be they from

 a place of passion and desire

 or rather

 a place of anger and destruction... 

 Mars was the author of both. 

As she sat typing, she realized that she was indeed using her time with Mars 

in a positive, passionate way in her now moment... 

She was following her desire to write and be creative.

It brought her joy and happiness to express herself. 

And she saw that this was all possible because she listened to her

true hearts desire.

On the contrary... 

Mars also had it's time and place though for actions that required

emergency, protection, and strength. 

She realized that a life with Mars meant that  even though the flames of desire 

were necessary in order to live a happy life...

 the mere fact remained  

that the flames of desire were still in fact burning hot flames!

And yes, sometimes, these flames will burn and destroy 

everything in it's path if they are let burn out of control.

Her previous relationship had been completely set ablaze 

during the Full Moon In Pisces... and she knew her Mars had

everything to do with it.... 

But she wasn't blaming anyone. 

There was always a reason for every season of life. 

And this was all apart of her journey...